So here's a match report from our local league in Sheffield. Elred and Cuthbert, are a pair of commentators who we have as characters in our match reports. Elred is a haughty high elf while Cuthbert is the most eloquent zombie ever...not. Needless to say I was the Dark Elves and I got trounced!
Elred: “And welcome sports fans with what promises to be a very heated match! Douvik Nethercaller, head coach of the Bleeding Harts has suffered punishing criticism after their 3-0 drubbing at the hands of rookie Chaos team Mike's Goats. Accusations abound that too much time and money has been invested in training a select few skilled players at the expense of team training. What do you think Cuthbert?”
Cuthbert: “Gaaaaa....aaaahll”
Elred: “Well said my odorous friend. Meanwhile their opponents the Green Day Pacters are yet to play this season although Aaron Cometbus has really taken to track training and is looking very nimble on his feet....
So the Harts have won the toss and elected to receive the kick..interesting..A fairly central kick but what's this?? The Pacters are very quick with Cometbus blitzing a Dark Elf lineman before the ball has even hit the ground!!”
Cuthbert: “BRAAAINNS”
Elred: “ So the Harts pick up the ball and screen it off - all good so far. Meanwhile the Pacters are smashing up my evil elven cousins from across the sea, Bully Vard the Minotaur charging and stunning a lineman and the Ogre Dookie knocking out another!
What's this – dark elf failing a dodge?? I can't help think there's something in what Nethercaller's accusers have been saying!”
Cuthbert's nose dribbles (it's not snot)
Elred: “Things are bad when Elves are having to cage and oh dear, Dookie has taken out the corner.
Miarrvyne Romaith, the ball carrying witch elf is exposed now! A marauder blitzes her but agile as she is she avoids been floored and is just pushed up between her team mates while the Pacters crowd the huddle around her. And what's this?? She's broken free - a frenzied push up out of what is quite frankly a mess here and deep into the Pacter's half!
And now a Marauder has broken free and dived at her taking them both down!
Cuthbert vomits maggots.
Elred: “And now Dark Elf blitzer, Merthen Apoavo has broken free to pick up the ball while his lineman teammate marks the downed Marauder who is then promptly blitzed away!
Oh and what's this?? In the murderous carnage in the middle of the pitch Teriher Merryn, blitzer for the Harts has been smashed to the ground and stomped to death by Bully Vard!! Lucky for the Harts, Apoavo eludes his mark and scores. TOUCHDOWN!!
Well that was dramatic! If the Pacters can score before the end of this half, things are looking very shakey for the Harts..
The crowd are definitely helping the Harts here as they spill on the pitch, rioting and shouting abuse. The Pacters are running out of time now but with not many Dark Elves on the pitch this will definitely help...
Nice deep kick. What remains of the Harts is marked...
...and Bully has taken another player off the pitch, luckily just a KO this time. A marauder has got the ball and handed off to the Pacter's own Dark Elf, Nimrod.
Boy, do the Harts fans hate this turncoat! Well that's Romaith too hurt to play for the rest of the game as she's mobbed by Bully and three Marauders.
Really now it's a choice of who will score. Nimrod does a quick pass and Mike Dirnt catches scores!!”
Cuthbert: “Hullltrhhh..gahhh”
Elred: “Yes I agree, things are really going to be tough now for the Harts now. And it seems not many of the team are recovering from being knocked out..These fans are insane! They are now threatening the ref with a severe beating should he not turn a blind eye to fouling. They're out for blood!
So the ball's kicked on the sideline but Nimrod just about still has it.
Oh this is just horrendous..Harts are failing dodges are all over..that break away blitz just saw one of them on the floor. The Pacters are taking their time travelling up the pitch and stalling smashing elven skulls as they go.
No one is standing at all now!
And I can even see a sneaky foul in there and that's another Dark Elf lineman off the pitch. And with that it's all over...Nimrod has scored and the Pacters have won 2-1!!
Thanks for watching sports fans. I wouldn't be surprised if Nethercaller is flayed alive after his team's performance!”
Elred: “And welcome sports fans with what promises to be a very heated match! Douvik Nethercaller, head coach of the Bleeding Harts has suffered punishing criticism after their 3-0 drubbing at the hands of rookie Chaos team Mike's Goats. Accusations abound that too much time and money has been invested in training a select few skilled players at the expense of team training. What do you think Cuthbert?”
Cuthbert: “Gaaaaa....aaaahll”
Elred: “Well said my odorous friend. Meanwhile their opponents the Green Day Pacters are yet to play this season although Aaron Cometbus has really taken to track training and is looking very nimble on his feet....
So the Harts have won the toss and elected to receive the kick..interesting..A fairly central kick but what's this?? The Pacters are very quick with Cometbus blitzing a Dark Elf lineman before the ball has even hit the ground!!”
Cuthbert: “BRAAAINNS”
Elred: “ So the Harts pick up the ball and screen it off - all good so far. Meanwhile the Pacters are smashing up my evil elven cousins from across the sea, Bully Vard the Minotaur charging and stunning a lineman and the Ogre Dookie knocking out another!
What's this – dark elf failing a dodge?? I can't help think there's something in what Nethercaller's accusers have been saying!”
Cuthbert's nose dribbles (it's not snot)
Elred: “Things are bad when Elves are having to cage and oh dear, Dookie has taken out the corner.
Miarrvyne Romaith, the ball carrying witch elf is exposed now! A marauder blitzes her but agile as she is she avoids been floored and is just pushed up between her team mates while the Pacters crowd the huddle around her. And what's this?? She's broken free - a frenzied push up out of what is quite frankly a mess here and deep into the Pacter's half!
And now a Marauder has broken free and dived at her taking them both down!
Cuthbert vomits maggots.
Elred: “And now Dark Elf blitzer, Merthen Apoavo has broken free to pick up the ball while his lineman teammate marks the downed Marauder who is then promptly blitzed away!
Oh and what's this?? In the murderous carnage in the middle of the pitch Teriher Merryn, blitzer for the Harts has been smashed to the ground and stomped to death by Bully Vard!! Lucky for the Harts, Apoavo eludes his mark and scores. TOUCHDOWN!!
Well that was dramatic! If the Pacters can score before the end of this half, things are looking very shakey for the Harts..
The crowd are definitely helping the Harts here as they spill on the pitch, rioting and shouting abuse. The Pacters are running out of time now but with not many Dark Elves on the pitch this will definitely help...
Nice deep kick. What remains of the Harts is marked...
...and Bully has taken another player off the pitch, luckily just a KO this time. A marauder has got the ball and handed off to the Pacter's own Dark Elf, Nimrod.
Boy, do the Harts fans hate this turncoat! Well that's Romaith too hurt to play for the rest of the game as she's mobbed by Bully and three Marauders.
Really now it's a choice of who will score. Nimrod does a quick pass and Mike Dirnt catches scores!!”
Cuthbert: “Hullltrhhh..gahhh”
Elred: “Yes I agree, things are really going to be tough now for the Harts now. And it seems not many of the team are recovering from being knocked out..These fans are insane! They are now threatening the ref with a severe beating should he not turn a blind eye to fouling. They're out for blood!
So the ball's kicked on the sideline but Nimrod just about still has it.
Oh this is just horrendous..Harts are failing dodges are all over..that break away blitz just saw one of them on the floor. The Pacters are taking their time travelling up the pitch and stalling smashing elven skulls as they go.
No one is standing at all now!
And I can even see a sneaky foul in there and that's another Dark Elf lineman off the pitch. And with that it's all over...Nimrod has scored and the Pacters have won 2-1!!
Thanks for watching sports fans. I wouldn't be surprised if Nethercaller is flayed alive after his team's performance!”
